Late night cigarette
by Namicchi
Summary: The remorse is killing Takeo.


Beta: shingaling at tumblr  
A/N: A short talk between Takeo and M21.

Late night cigarette

The children are watching some comedy, laughing when Shinwoo and Tao say the actors lines with exaggeration worthy of an award. Takeo is watching them from the balcony, enjoying his evening cigarette. It was a habit from his days at DA-5 because smoking helped him not to think about anything after a particularly bad day.

Nothing bad happened today, but seeing how happy the children are reminded Takeo about how close they were to death, how much more children like them _died_ because of him. He excused himself from watching the movie, unable to look at the trusting faces of the children.

Takeo knows this sensitivity is one of his biggest flaws, a big blotch in a beautiful painting of a perfect little soldier. Maybe one day he will be able to stomach this guilt, become less involved, but now? Not a chance.

He feels the soft trembling of air and M21 appears next to him, looking composed as ever. Takeo sees how the werewolf's eyes goes to the room Takeo is observing and then to the cigarette he's holding. There is no pity on his face and Takeo is somewhat grateful for that.

"… I tried to kill them, you know?" M21 says abruptly, leaning against the barrier, next to Takeo, ignoring his shocked face and looking at the clouded sky. "I made Shinwoo fight a mutant, knowing full well the boy is going to die. It was meant to be… an entertainment to us, me." He looks at the Takeo then and it's the first time Takeo sees him so naked; for a moment M21's face is open, full of pain of the same kind as the one Takeo feels every day, minute by minute.

How should he react? Scold M21, ask him how he can look at himself in a mirror every morning?

But then he would have to do the same with himself. There is more blood on Takeo's hands than water in a river; he is not the one to judge. Most people in this house, save for Regis and Miss Seira, weren't good people. They were walking shadowy paths, enjoying things normal people would find repulsive. However, for some reason, an unwritten rule, perhaps, they don't talk about those things. It is the past, they are making things better now, are trying to be better.

Shit. He must looking very pitiful if M21 is talking about _feelings_ with him.

The werewolf reaches into Takeo's blouse pocket and takes a cigarette from the box and lights it from Takeo's own cigarette. He inhales deeply and blows circles of smoke. He's looking at something above Takeo's shoulder, but his eyes aren't focused on anything particular. Takeo knows this look too well: the look of damaged people who are reminiscing about their past.

What is M21 thinking about now? Other groups of children which weren't so lucky?

"How do you…?" Takeo points at the children with his cigarette.

M21 laughs quietly. It's such an empty laugh Takeo feels goosebumps.

"At first? I didn't feel anything. No remorse, nothing." M21 inhales again, this time longer. He's looking straight into Takeo's eyes, his face completely serious. "I thought they weren't bad kids after all and that's everything. But when they got hurt because of DA-5… that was when I realized I need to protect them, that I felt sorry for the pain I caused them. I still do," he adds softly, but there is steel in his eyes, challenging Takeo to say that the werewolf is an awful person for not being sorry at the beginning. "Stop thinking the guilt will disappear because it won't." M21 squashes the cigarette against the balustrade, leaving it there. "You will only learn how to live with it."

"Not 'only'." Takeo shakes his head, faking a smile and waving back to Yuna, who is gesturing for them to go back to the living room. "If that happens it will be more than I deserve."

M21 is silent for a moment before scowling slightly.

"Normally I'd tease you for being such pessimist, but you're right." The werewolf brushes Takao's shoulder, walking to the glass door and lying his hand on the door handle. "So maybe next time instead of wallowing in self-pity we will go to train together? Beat that stupid remorse out of us so we can focus on more important things." He throws Takeo a crooked smile, and suddenly Takeo knows he isn't the only one who got hit by guilt tonight.

"Yeah, why not?" He nods and, before following M21 into the living room, leaves the box with cigarettes on the balustrade. He won't need that any more.

 _Fin_


End file.
